Emotional Intelligence

I believe at the core, all religions are concerned with relationships with God and others so I decided to address 4 characteristics of emotional maturity, which is the foundation of our ability to form healthy relationships.

Delayed gratification:  Can you tolerate the negative emotions associated with waiting for a reward?  Researchers have hypothesized that the ability to delay gratification is connected with greater success in school and life.  In one study in Berkeley, CA, children were asked to sit at a table with a cookie placed in front of them on a plate (researchers first tried using a marshmallow instead of a cookie, but soon realized many of the educated children had never tasted a marshmallow) and told that they could eat the cookie now, or if they were able to wait until the researcher come back in the room, they could have two cookies.  The children were on camera during the time the researcher was out of the room - many of the children tried to wait, but could not, others were able to wait and were rewarded.  The children were tracked after the experiment and the results supported the hypothesis.  One of the reasons this skill is so important is because it is the foundation for the skill of following directions, which is key to performing well in school and future employment.  Following directions is also key to a successful interview - many job candidates are not able to answer the questions posed to them by the interviewer; they add in personal information or expand upon the question without actually addressing the question.

Indeed, we live in a world that demands adults to delay gratification, but caters to those of us who cannot or do not want to.  In fact, commercialism is dependent on instant gratification.

Emotional regulation:  Can you soothe yourself when you are upset? Do other people, circumstances, or your internal processes get your goat?  Being qualified for a job and having the ability to manage your emotions while performing the job involve different skills.  Emotional regulation is more than simply putting on a happy face when someone insults you or 'never letting them see you sweat' when you receive criticism; it is the actual ability to calm yourself down during these types of stressful times.  Many employers are looking for people who can handle their emotions (ability to be a team player), along with, or before job performance qualifications.  The ability to regulate emotions is also critical in forming and maintaining relationships with others.  If anyone is wondering if it is possible to have healthy, equal, adult relationships that last without being able to control your emotions - it is not possible.  Folks with borderline tendencies often test relationships by being emotionally reckless, which leads to a potentially equal relationship being reduced to a care-taking relationship or the termination of the relationship.  Therefore, learning to regulate your emotions and teaching children how to regulate their emotions is key to future employment and quality relationships.

Suspend judgment:  Are you the type of person who figures out the ending of the movie before all the main characters are even introduced?  Do you only read the headlines before determining the intention of the writer, circumstances of the story, and assigning blame?  Our society demands that we think quickly and we are often rewarded for sharing our opinions, whether they are informed or not.  Yet, I believe our quality of life and relationships suffer when we make snap judgments; even movies are more enjoyable when we allow them to unfold, instead of writing the ending.  A year ago, I gave up sharing my opinion for Lent, initially because I got sick of hearing my own commentary on everything I sensed, but as Lent progressed, I continued the exercise because I realized how much I was learning from others.  I became convinced that leaving the door open and allowing events to unfold without trying to control the outcome reduced my disappointment and condemnation of others.

Cognitive Flexibility:  Are you a person who can find several solutions to a problem? More than one method of performing a task?  Can you take on the perspective of another person?  One way to determine if you are emotional flexible is to think about a stressful driving situation; you are late and someone cuts you off in traffic, seems to slow down before running a yellow light, leaving you behind at the red light.  Maddening, yes!  So what is the motive of the driver in front of you?  Can you place yourself in their shoes, while removing intentionality?  How many neutral reasons can you list for their behavior?  I just heard a Buddhist story about a man rowing a boat on a narrow river.  He notices a boat coming right at him and he begins swearing and yelling at the boat; then, after getting no response he thinks to himself about how rude the other person must be and how foolish it is for him to continue steering his boat on a direct course with his own.  Finally, after the man goes to great lengths to steer his own boat out of the way, he passes the other boat and sees that it actually has no one steering it at all.

Cognitive inflexibility leads to a narrow view of the world and is a hallmark of a disordered personality.  In addition, it is one of the downsides of aging.

It is true that learning these skills at an early age is important and will save a person a great deal of hardship, but it is possible to practice them and incorporate them into your life at any age.